I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past
year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have
them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell
phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason..
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers..
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS..
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
, and Uzbekistan ...
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.
And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over
6 ft. out of the commode.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician .. .. .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse...
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have
them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell
phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason..
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers..
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS..
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
, and Uzbekistan ...
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.
And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over
6 ft. out of the commode.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician .. .. .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse...
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
